This time

Sold my soul to God for a night with a devil dressed in white.
Though it may not look like it, I am human too.
But, the blank stare like you don't care is the pain I can't contain.
Emotion is the language I speak and even anger is a word I can understand
I can't remember the last words you spoke,
but I remember the emotion I felt,
when you left forever, never to return.
And I'm not sad, I just want your attention.
Let's venture far, far away.
I just need something,
anything,
I don't know,
I don't care,
anything will do.
Nothing always disappoints me.
Deja vu never hurt so much, but it's a language I speak.

<3Dil.

A work in progress.

This is the world I live in, where smut has replaced romance and uncouth blatancy has replaced mystery, but then again, wasn't "romance" just another name for control and deceit?
My hobby used to be people watching until they all became sort of a gray colour, washed out. Everything is so easy now a days and no need to tend to the details everything is always "just fine" and "that's good enough" along with a fix of different hormones brought upon in the easiest way possible. I'm no better, but I feel remorse for the loss of effort and abstract beauty and it's lonely looking for another one of my kind; someone that still has some colour in them and stands out, like the imperfect ones. I wish they could see it like I can, but they're too pre-occupied by perceived beauty bombarded at their eyes from anything but the mirror. Like the "nerdy" boy on the street that walks with no self-esteem and doesn't wear clothes that are quite fashionable, or the chubby girl with glasses on the bus holding her bag to her chest like a sort of comfort blanket. I wish they could see it, but then they might not be so beautiful anymore.

<3Dil.

At last we meet again.

A clear mind, blurred eyes and tarnished soul-
nothing more beautiful than the image in the mind.
Always dreaming and afraid to wake - reality is never what you think.
No such thing as perfection, just merely the illusion,
the scale of imperfection, and the mask you wear.
Inner and outer beauty - hardly ever both.
Do you wear your hardships on the outside, or keep them concealed?
Perhaps one day it will be revealed...
until then, keep hiding, and smiling.
Reading,
writing,
and escaping.

<3Dil.

Trembling Hand in the Rain

I found you, and I remember the bell tower strike midnight
There it was, the ghost in the mist and I was terrified as I looked upon the scars I adorn to this day.
Yet the cold breath you gave me did not chill,
It was the fresh breeze flowing through the hell in my mind.
Now tears flow once more, lukewarm tears to warm the icy heart throbbing in my chest.
That kind smile...
I saw it reflected as I blew back the dust, removed the spider webs.
Anxious and frantic with fear... or excitement?
There it was, the path.
Long lost forgotten path, I may now tread again.
And you, to show the way.
Excited, aroused, amused, emotions defrosted and alive once again.
Now seconds are eons until our hands warm each other's again
But, always travelling together with the same destination,
and always with your image guiding, warming, healing my soul.
My prince in the darkness.

<3Dil.

Moondrops.

Dear fate perched top the midnight hour
Voiceless whispers drift and ears do cower
Cruel summer season winds come haste;
O'er yonder where lull'd hearts can taste-
dew drops that hath caressed thy rosy apple cheek
Alas, Cheshire cat's vast wisdom- mind's eye doth seek

Enlightened doe eyes with knowledge gleamed bright;
Hidden 'neath emotions of young pup's plight
Thy prayers await eternity betwixt and between,
patience, let time go 'head alas seem too keen-
for something, nothing, infinity, oblivion- filled void
Boredom's fascination, destiny toyed

<3Dil.

Time to have a philosophical look at life again.
I'm stuck between two extremes in my current emotional and rational state of mind. How I look at it right now, life can be taken　one of two ways; Don't take things so seriously, I mean there's really no point in getting stressed about your path in life and your achievements and contributions because well, you're not going to get out alive now are you? No one does. So, just have fun and enjoy yourself. The other way I see it, is more of a pessimistic point of looking at it. What's the fucking point in anything? Why bother even getting out of my bed in the morning when I'm just going to get let down?
Either way, I can't help myself from laughing at people that get so over worked about making sure their life is on track. Getting good grades, getting into a good school, getting the good job, getting the good spouse, getting the good house, getting the good up-to-date technology. I guess, if that makes you happy, but most likely you just get stressed trying to keep on top of it all. Does it give your life meaning?
Riding the GO train at 8am in the morning just verifies my thoughts. looking at the sea of black, grey, and navy blue suits with their brief cases, fingers tapping away on their black, grey, or navy blue blackberry phones - The uniform of society. One thought very predominantly painted on their faces: "I hate my life.".
It's quite true that right now I hate the world, and humanity. But, tomorrow I'll probably love it. I enjoy these extremes, and makes me colourful, I think.
That is all. Actually, there's more things running through my head but I'm having trouble coherently expressing them. So, I'll leave it at that.

<3Dil.

Do crabs dream of puppy dogs?

Nice to meet you,
I’m a crab.
I scurry along the beach.
I don’t know to where.
But, off I go.
Sorry if I pinch you.
Don’t get too close, now.
I’m really quite sensitive, you know.
But after-all, I don’t want to be hurt.

The waves are too close.
In and out.
Back and forth.
But, isn’t that what it always is?
A big fucking rollercoaster?
But, I don’t rightly know, now do I?
I’m just a crab.
I don’t know what a rollercoaster is, nor the usage of "fuck".
All I know, is that these waves are coming really fast now.

This wild sea may sweep me away at any moment.
I’ll try not to lose my head, this time.
I could be safe and sound, with my legs in the ground.
What I’m trying to say is –
It could be good.
Real good.
Or, it could be bad.
Real bad.

A wave just hit me just then, but, I’m still standing.
Although, I don’t have much faith anymore.
It soon will pass,
it always does.
And then I go back to doing what I do best –
Just surviving.

But…

Then, I open my eyes.
I awake from the dream of the serene beach.
I just realized something-
turns out, I’m not a crab at all.
I’m just a loyal, trusting puppy dog,
and it’s time for my lunch.

(Okay, so I didn't use any fancy vocabulary, or really any style at all. But, I really like this one. A lot. For many reasons. :) )

<3Dil.

Untitled

My heart torn in two,
becoming a double-sided two-way mirror
The crystal ball reflects hate,
but still I travel toward inevitable fate,
and I just cannot ignore my heart's lonely screams

I'm a stupid, stupid girl,
and you didn't always treat me right,
but I knew when I needed someone,
you'd be there with a kiss on the cheek,
and the words:
"hang tough and everything will be alright."

I'm glad you're strong,
you combat my weak,
and I know it's wrong,
but if you called out to me
along the hallway to your bedroom I would creep

<3Dil.

Summertime Approaches.

Oh magnificent sunlight,
drench me in your warm positivity,
take my soul to the place where children never cry,
happiness is the inter-venous drug,
and I was to suckle at it's warm inviting chest

Hearts palpitate in time with the music,
the love song that makes everyone smile,
We dance in this pool of twirling anti-gravity,
No coming down from this incandescent excitement

Come into me entirely,
seep through the pores and give your vitamins,
tint this skin with the components these eyes cannot see,
only the after-math of ODing on your radiance

Nevermore will I accept the darkness,
Just synthetic purity when I can't have you,
then I will look towards your mystery,
don't mind the stench of burning retina,
but blind me to the sadness you don't touch

<3Dil.

Japanese Haiku :)

I decided to write something in japanese, and what more fitting than a haiku!

闇の中
唇冷める
怖い風

この涙
この笑った顔
幸せ輪

出会った夢
未来を探す
血流る

Pronunciation:

yami no naka
kuchibiru sameru
kowai kaze

kono namida
kono waratta kao
shiawase wa

deatta yume
mirai wo sagasu
chi nagareru

Translation:

In the darkness
lips go cold
scary wind

these tears
this face that smiled
the wheel of happiness

a dream met
will search for the future
the blood flows

<3Dil

Taken, Token.

Please let me send a token of my appreciation in place of this heart.
Unwise and unkind words were the alarm clock for my slumber away from clear thought.
So gullible and believable, I know now what I have always.

IQ numbers mean nothing when standing against a pheromone attack on the brain.
Scents triggering an attack on the hormone glands,
hormones hijacked into war fare, numbing reality and lucid perception.
Feelings, nothing but a chemical imbalance.

Your Y can never comprehend our side of nature's puppet play in its master plan.
You want to spread, while we were made for trapping.
The only thing to which we can relate, it doesn't matter which body.
Mother nature drives me to insanity with her constant pull at my insides
Twisting, turning, uncomfortableness and day-dreaming emotions.

But you, my prince, awoke my sleeping beauty into the world of reality.
No more ghastly, ghostly feelings,
Never more to be blinded by sticks and stones.
Only spite born clear head awaken from repetitive history

Shoot the arrow that only pierces and bleeds this heart 'o mine
I choose to hang myself on this cross,
resurrected I will be in familiar territory whose map I can read.
So, take this token, not my heart.

<3Dil

Genuine Lie.

Do I ever make an appearance inside your head when you're alone with your thoughts? What do I whisper to your memories?

My gaze was drawn to that mask, it hid grotesque features so well and made them into a calculated mathematical perfection. I was blind, distracted away from the disconnection at the jaw revealing it as false, I thought those angelic features could never bite, but a darkness hid beneath.I was surprised at the bond so strong that entwined us, as though I had found a new old best friend, partner in crime that knew me so well. If only I had seen it was a camouflaged serpent. You used that to bring the walls down, and then used me for motives that escape me, yet still haunt my curiosities.
You told me you'd fund this revolution, bribed me with your genuine lie, and told me everything would be okay if I just held on to this for you. Now, your hypocrisies stay afloat out there, and your voice is in a far off place, I can hardly hear the echo in this dark, dismal place where basic necessities of human existence are a rarity. I'm left with nothing but a figure of you in my memory, though at the trial I could swear you were present. You were the Judge, you were the Jury, and I fear I will see you again as the Executioner.
I never got even the simplest decency of hearing what sound your vocal chords make, how each syllable rolls off your tongue when you say the word "Goodbye.", though you said it unintentionally so profoundly. Yet, I still find it impossible to utter it myself to that cherub-like face, the mask in my memory.
See you again soon.

<3Dil.

The Book.

I beheld literature of not another tongue,
a perception of no discourse,
unintelligible to myself, unknown to man,
one only thyself may decipher
Maliciousness expressed, I think not,
but, intent only thy heart and the universe shall grasp
Try as I might to disregard,
merely gazing towards that intricate, dazzling script...
A trance induced,
divine sunlight warms these cheeks,
accelerated oxygen floods cells
But, alas, never more
Never more will I glance into that precious book,
never more may I cast an eye on its splendid script
Perhaps words best kept veiled,
or great enlightenment to fulfill
I shall never comprehend,
yet still my mind's eye wanders,
looks towards that book of secrets...
Now, stored safely behind glass

<3 Dil.

Fairy Tales.

From stories of old, it's told:
that warmth of greatness watches, protects,
gleams its bright-eyed smile all over us;
Assuring, re-assuring, it is.
Through these comforts, you walk with peace;
I'll take my own trail, thanks.

Tainted ideas only brought unrest,
a tortured question to the solution;
A drug called happiness, though tough to find,
needn't anything but an image in the mind.

No stop sign on this road,
just a bumpy path I chose not to avoid;
Now I soar towards the Placebo of Oz,
on a horse of another kind.

So what do you say?
Take my hand and go away from I.

<3 Dil.

Unleashed.

Things blockaded away,
Confessions that will never see the light of day;
The light of the tunnel turned blue, and then hid in the aggression that came;
Pandora knew nothing would be the same;
But,
You offered your sweet gift, with evils inside;
Though inviting, reaching toward the prize caused your smile to become unkind;
Though these limbs reached to the ground on vacationing osseous,
I wonder how you can say to me "Stand up" for no other reason than "Just 'cause."
But,
We drove from day to night watching the sunrise in your car,
into the past that should have been but we've already come too far;
The delicate object, that came frozen, shattered from being heated too quickly,
and, your Gordian knot will not come undone, without a sword, I have no key.

<3 Dil.

The Universe Inside Our Skull.

I think the universe is much like the mind. The capacity of it all is incomprehensible. There's no end, always more room to learn and expand, new doors to open. There's always things being brought into existence and then abolished, like memories remembered and forgotten.
What if all things we know and feel are just an imagination of something greater than us?

Just a thought I had, anyways, here's a short poem I wrote:

Fetus of purity, resurrected into temptation;
Mind so vast, alas, stuck in isolation;
Life, I think it's all phantasmagoria;
Here it is again, this repulsive euphoria.

<3 Dil.

Bedtime Story.

What’s the use in trivial matters? When all’s said and done, nothing will remain.

These feelings you feel, though real, are but chemicals in the brain.



Sunlight I look upon, or does it look upon me?

What is up? What is down? Are my thoughts truly free?



Though science cures cancer, prolongs life long run.

It will not postpone the inevitable, the fate of the sun.



Do I hope for hope, or does it come into reality through performace?

Where do I end? Where do you begin? Is it possible to draw the line in existance?



Take power with force from those trivial matters, though impossible it seems.

Face the world with not so much seriousness, but make it the sweetest of dreams.



…Sweet dreams.

<3 Dil.

Interpersonal Relationships.

I've began contemplating about interpersonal relationships and that wall we put up between our true identity and what we show others.
Even in our most genuine, trusting, reciprocal relationships do they ever see the 100% raw us? Can they ever see past the visage into our deepest darkest soul? Even in truth, it's not a lie if you don't say it. I know there are things in my head, things about myself, about other people that will never come into creation with words. There are even times when exposing too much of your thinking can be problematic.
Another question is, by doing this are we protecting ourselves or the people around us? I guess in some respects, depending on the circumstances, it can be either.
Right now however, it's that sense of closeness and that wall between us and others that intrigues me; Depending on the type of relationship, the circumstances around meeting, the time you've spent ,and the feeling you have towards them some people in this world will never see us more than "Hello, Thank you, have a nice day." and others will be let in to see our moments of great strength and also, great weakness. They may be impressed and envious of the person we show due to a certain situation. Or, lose total respect. It's funny in a way, because it's not always a true representation of our true inner workings but only at how good we are at molding the self we bring into being to show others.
There are some of us who hold that wall up for too long and too strong to let anyone get to know them any more than a superficial being, and those that come off in an unfavourable light for letting the wall down too soon and exposing too much. It's a certain tact to build meaningful interpersonal relationships, to assess your opponent and execute the right amount of yourself (or depending on the person, a total lie) to bring that person closer to you.
I wonder, if our thoughts were transparent, and we knew everything about everyone we came in contact with, how many of us would keep that bond?
Would you gain or lose friends if there was nothing to hide?

<3 Dil.

Seperation Anxiety.

Tear me at the wrist from my lover,
never meant to be.
You never tasted the salty tears,
They fell into the pool of infinity.
Why must this go on?
Blind with my mouth sewn shut,
trying to find you.
Mangled and deformed,
this body of mine,
who will love it now?
Will you wrap your arms around me?
The barb wire bound around my eyes,
the thorns stab them, the blood stings them.
Why do you love me,
love me the way you do?
Why won’t you love me?

<3 Dil.

Sleeping Pills.

Sleeping pills.
The world is more beautiful in your head.
The memories, even the bad ones are sweet.
Forget the reality of now and live in the past.
Escape the feelings and emotions of now and hold on to falseness.
Do I remember correctly or have I been brainwashed by words?
Words, sounds, tastes, feelings, thoughts;
Which ones can I trust?
Can I trust anything now?
I’ll just live in my head, it’s a happy place there.

<3 Dil.

Confusion.

Confusion.
Mind racing.
Where are you?
Looking desperately.
Your shadow on the wall,
I can see.
Every time I grasp, you slip through my fingers.
Illusion,
Vision is fuzzy,
Where are you?
My cheeks wet.
Heart’s thumping.
Still looking at that shadow upon the wall.
The words I wish I could take back.
In my blurred reality.
Racing towards you,
racing towards nothing.
My mind’s racing with confusion.
You lead me forward,
into the nothingness,
into the Confusion.

<3 Dil.

The Future Yesterday.

Yesterday will never come,
memories long past are done,
I lynched the world yet to pass,
no longer watching through thick glass,
Free me from this with blood soaked tears,
oblivion of crossed out leers.
I'll compensate for wrongs I've made,
from the wrist with this cruel blade.
Sins pour onto innocent ground,
ground where nothingness is found.
That, is where I must fall,
no longer able to bawl.
Choke the absent sobs,
my heart no longer throbs,
Cold dreary mist,
no longer to exist,
I am numb,
death to blossom.

<3 Dil.

Smile.

The thrash of the whip stings,
so why does she long for it once again?
The sweet comfort of the torture you gave her,
It was simple,
It was easy,
She wasn’t alone.
While she cried inside, she gave you her sweet smile.
The tears flowed over your bare chest,
the tears flowed but wouldn’t reach your heart.
You told her it was for her own good,
You told her she loved you.
She believed and hid her tears behind that smile.
When will the tears drown that smile?
Now the smile hides the blood,
the blood from that long lost whip.
Difficult,
Hard,
She’s alone once again.
Please let the smile hide nothing.
Just smile.

<3 Dil.